HSP: Open letter to my fellow man
Earlier I wrote an article, and in response to questions two other articles, on my brand new blog about the phenomenon of HSP. To my surprise it was quickly spread via Twitter, Facebook and some websites, about dealing with Highly Giftedness (HG) and high sensitivity (HSP). When I read articles on such as the interesting site for New Age-kids, I recognized myself as a so-called ‘Indigo’ pur sang. I seem to be a frontrunner of the big wave of Indigo’s in terms of age, because I’m from 1962 and not from the 70’s. But still … I recognize myself in every letter.
When I was very young I wanted to play and explore the world itself. “Do it my self” ..” were definitely the first words that I stammered as a real aquarian! My parents clearly had their hands full with me in front of my only brother Hans, who was as calm, as he quietly sat in his room drawing and dreaming, struggling through his childhood. I felt I had to explore the world in my own way.
I feel nevertheless the need to contribute to a piece of information for all those who have to deal with the same, but also for all those new age kids who in this new time are HSP’s and are often gifted. In addition, this is a group that unfortunately is still not recognized in the world of psychology and psychiatry. I use in my daily work definitely my psychology-background and theory, but I distance myself by above mentioned reason of the prevailing dogmatic-DSM-IV (now V) and use my regular gifts (clairvoyance), intuition and experience to the other at to stand. I thought about writing this letter to you, the interested reader, to get a little peek into the’ kitchen’ of a new age adult child, called “Indigo.” I am aware of my vulnerablity when I do this, but when you read this letter I hope it helps to encourage a little recognition and understanding of HSP for our children and maybe for you. If you want to receive it, then this very personal letter is addressed to you from out of my heart.
Dear fellow man,
I Never really could understand the world I was living in. From childhood I was attracted to children who were bullied at school because I saw their inner beauty. And with this, also the reason why they were bullied. They were ‘different’, like me. And because I wanted to stand up for them, I also became a target in all school years that I attended. But from the sense of justice I did stand for them. I never would do my school years again! All I know now, that it has made me strong and self- conscious.
From a young age I lost many (young) people to the ‘physical death’. But I could still feel them even after their death, sometimes I heard them. There happened some inexplicable things that showed me that only “they” could cause that. I felt lonely because I wasn’t able to share that with anyone else, without to be denounced as a fantasist
I could learn very easily and learn well, but I felt miserable in the structure of schools and society imposed on me. I saw it all very different myself? Better? More Beautiful? Was I allowed to think that of myself though? No, of course not, because teachers and educators know better than me! I Learned not to be ‘brutal’ . I always had questions that seems to antagonize them. Even once got an F for Dutch, because the teacher thought I handed an essay that I would have written from out of a book or something. For someone that young age, could not write such a philosophical epistle. Luckily there was my mother who wrote the teacher an angry letter and was breaking a lance for me. After that I got a satisfactory grade.
I can not stand injustice, never could, though. And I see it happen all the time. Everywhere. I see suffering that is done to animals and feel like it’s being done to me! I experience it, and I could describe it as a stone on my stomach, a lump in my throat, or an unstoppable grief. But even if the pain is from another person, or an animal, I can feel it in my body. Even though it is not mine. To learn to distinguish and to deal with that, I had to follow several courses with energywork later on. For years, from course to course … Had to find it out on my own, who I am and where my ‘energy’ ends and which is yours.
I can not stand when you don’t speak the truth to me, because I ‘hear’ the underlying thoughts, which speak truth in my head. I can feel it when you tell me that you’re doing well, while you’re not. And I “see” why it is not going well. Or I ‘hear’ it, can feel it, sense it … then I feel so lonely and I think: “Why don’t you dare to trust me, I never condemn, you can be who you are, I can assure you and I see who you are and you may be who you are, unconditionally! Don’t you see? ” And because of that I do not like to go to events and parties where it’s crowdy. I can’t be myself and just “deflate”. Feels that way.
Unfortunately I can’t stand television or radio anymore, even though I worked there for years myself. In those years I could, because I love to serve others, and when I also earned money for it, that was quite a miracle. But the hierarchy and corruption that prevails there made me sad. And money has never had my interest at all. For me, money Is nothing, it’s an earthly illusion, a piece of matter, you can’t take it with you when you are gone. What you bring is yourself, your spirit, your heart, your mind which did (hopefully) grow. Can’t you see that money ruins everything? And if you have no money because you can not maintain it without getting literally sick of being in a nine-to-five job or an organizational structure, you have nothing in this world. If you have talents like making music, writing, drawing, painting you do not count at all in this society and you have to sort it out by yourself. Because you don’t fit in the world and it’s “your fault” that you choose professions of that kind, which are actually hobbies. “I often hear that say to me. That causes an enormous pain. For my talents do ballast me! While I love those talents in the first place…
Don’t you see that we are all here for a reason, and that everyone in the world has enough to eat and to drink? If only we divide it fairly … We need to help each other. I’m saying that because I feel that it feels right to help and serve others so that’s normal to me, but what about you?
I could not play in my bands anymore because I always came home sick afterwards. I had the most awful ‘ills’ taken from those I had spoken during breaks or afterwards. While I do not like a stage, because I want to be close to you and so remain close. I had to learn to distinguish myself so that I could send off those energies. Again, about that energy oddly enough, I always knew that I did not need to visit a ‘doctor’ because I knew it would go away. “Something” told me that the disease was not mine. I had to learn listening to my inner voice about that. But I couldn’ stand, with my high sensitivity the “vocal violence” that came out of the amplifiers. Even though I could enjoy that other people were happy to dance delicious at our performances the whole evening That’s why I continued for another ten years. Fortunately my fellow musicians did understand me …
Sometimes I feel so ‘different’ and lonely, that I begged to be allowed to get out of here on several occasions. No, I certainly was not depressed or worse, ‘psychotic’. I just did not understand that no one seemed to feel the same and see what I’m seeing and feel all the time, and especially ‘know’. I did not understand why I was born on a planet like this. But I also feel that I’m not allowed to take away my own life because I am living here for a reason. Though I still have (thankfully nowadays more less) struggles to find that reason and to understand what it is about sometimes. in recent years I met people who feel the same, also living in piece and a quiet life, otherwise it becomes too overwhelming for them also. And they are sharing this with me because I’m lately going to express more what I feel myself, see and ‘know’.
I love my pets so much, because they can feel me when I touch them. We make real contact, “and I’m beginning to understand that they were born with me to assist me in this process of loneliness. It is clear to me that this is their reason for being with me and this is very pure and amazingly beautiful! They keep me on earth, helping to ground me, as I help to ground them. Because animals are not grounded (because they have ‘four legs’ ) as we did have in prehistoric times.(We were not grounded too) If I talk about this ‘opinion’ it is ridiculed, and that causes me pain again. People can’t understand that at all. But it feels so very special to me.
I love all animals anyway, because I feel that they teach us things: simplicity and unconditionally love. I also see that there are many people think the same about this because they themselves are highly sensitive and man self also often don’t understand their actions and words. But if I say they are, they want to deny it immediately. I understand that so very well why they are denying this, that I do not judge that. But again I feel alone and denied.
When I read that war has broken out and that also a political mandate is given, my heart is crying. I would cry, but I don’t do it, because I know it makes no sense. Don’t these people, they who “are graduated and so-called wise” understand that they are acting out of fear and ego? When there is a lack of power, instead there is dominion and thus impotence. It is out of balance though …
I mostly live in my own home, between four walls and my animals and try to avoid that kind of news. But I feel “stupid” when someone tells me something that everyone seems to know and I have inherited nothing, so I’ll still read the news, although it is completely against my sensitivity and what I’m capable of to handle.
I learned and studied a lot, and I’ve discovered that I am able to succeed everything I approach for, cum laude But I also discovered that it should resonate with my heart and soul and they will not sell me fairytales in any training, whatsoever. So I had to break off a few studies because I felt that I could not answer what was asked from me. I just want honesty and that I’m allowed to say as I see it without being judged with an F. Fortunately I met a number of like-minded teachers who saw me as I was. I’m fortunately still in contact with some of them..
I really need to be who I am to feel free.. I will never hurt anyone, but experience it myself when I have to adapt and is not understood. Because you’re arguing from out of logic and I (fortunately or unfortunately) am reasoning from out of the same logic along with you, but from out of “wisdom” I know it’s not true. And I have forced myself for years- (self-ignorance) to do this (speaking out of mind and not out of the heart) with all its consequences.
I’ve been through trial and error and a lot of searching on the internet (long live the Internet) discovered who I am and now I have to learn that I can be who I am. That is still not always easy. I got the word ‘indigo’ explained by ‘nieuwetijdskind.com “and I understood that I am also born psychic and clairvoyant. I knew that for some time, but I did not dare talk about it. I m carefully talking about this for a year. I also seem to be gifted and it dawns on me that these phenomena are often related to each other. So I wrote this last week an answer to a question asked in response to my article about HSP, which is spread over the Internet, even under various psychologists. (As I am one myself)
I would like to ask you to take me as I am, but most of all I ask you to ‘open your mind’; to allow for people who are ‘different’, without trying to put them in your own ‘framework’ or fort them to adapt to whatever you have learned in school., or at work. Isn’t it true that inventors should always expect to discover something first outside the frame, thinking out of the box? A paradigm is becoming a hypothesis or an anomaly and then probably again it will turn into a new paradigm (with renewed risk of being a ‘dogma’again). And then not to mention the phenomenon of serendipity. Because that’s also finding surprisingly something while jumping out of the box.
I am a girl of nature. Even in a body that is 52 years old, I am that child with an open mind, marveling at the beauty of nature, being itself every day in life, with a lot of love in my heart. Will you please try to approach me with respect and as it may be a little bit more, to love me the same as I love you, unconditionally ? Just because you are who you are …
©Irma Schiffers 2014
You have permission for republishing this article, but authorized reproductions must reference the author’s name and the website: http://www.irmaschiffers.nl